Then you can learn how to operate in the world.ĭr. I can offer you something different: It’s dimming your distress - not to a zero, but from a 10 to a nine and then a nine to a eight and so on. I would say to those with bulimia that the way that vomiting makes you feel as if, wow, you’ve cleaned out everything bad in your body - not just the food but the accumulation of experience - that’s something I can’t offer to you. I used to see adults in my private practice who came to me with eating disorders or bulimia. If you think about all the worst adult coping mechanisms, they are an attempt to turn a feeling off, not an attempt to dim. I’m going to stay here with you” and maybe it’s “Towers fall down and that really stinks.” Through my presence, what I’m doing is teaching my kid that when their distress light goes on, we want it to operate on a dimmer. My kid’s tower falls down? I would try to say: “I’m not going to rebuild it.
So how would I not do aloneness? Through presence. So what’s an alternative response to “My tower fell down”? It wouldn’t be me saying, “Tough, things happen.” It’s the accumulation of feeling alone in our feelings as kids that gives us adult struggles.
#I WORRY WHEN IM AWAY FROM MY KIDS FULL#
Anybody who had a childhood in which happiness was the goal would be predestined for a lifetime of anxiety - life is full of distress! What’s something that’s distressing as a kid? It could be, “My tower fell down.” If happiness were the goal then my behavior would be, “Look, we fixed your tower, it’s fine.” What would I be wiring into my child by doing that? The more we focus on becoming happy, the less tolerance we have for distress and the more we search to feel any other way than how we’re feeling - which is the experience of anxiety. Maybe we’re spending more time with our kids, but the ease of things makes it harder to build pathways that lead to longer-term happiness. That used to be the pathway to happiness. But what would cultivate happiness? The work, the intention, the frustration, the failure. Because there are so many ways right now to get around frustration, you have to be mindful to raise kids who learn how to tolerate it. The internet, the iPads, the ease of everything. What might that say about the limits of parental influence? Well, our kids live in a world of immediate gratification. But at the same time there’s evidence suggesting that kids are increasingly unhappy. I assume that consequently they’re spending more time thinking about how to be a good parent. There’s evidence to suggest that parents are now spending more time doing things like playing with and reading to their kids than previous generations of parents did. “These are parents dedicated to raising kids who feel solid and confident while also trying to heal themselves.” “Millennial parents are more aware of things within themselves that don’t feel good, places that feel empty that they want to feel sturdier,” says Kennedy, who is currently working on a book, also called “Good Inside,” set to be published by Harper Wave next year. Via her popular Good Inside podcast and her more-than-800,000-follower Instagram account, her newsletter and online workshops, Kennedy, who is 38 and a mother of three, offers advice aimed - and this is what she believes distinguishes her approach - at managing the thoughts and feelings of parents as much as children.
Becky, is the person whom they trust to deliver those ideas. For many millennials, the clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy, a.k.a. Every generation, sometimes building on and sometimes rejecting what came before, develops its own ideas about parenting.
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